Table Manners

Hey yo everybody! I have been quite busy as of late and subsequently have had no time to comment, reply, and write posts.  Thankfully though, the storm is beginning to calm towards the end of the year and my busy schedule in the past couple of months has left me an abundance of opportunities to conduct mental experiments on the smallest parts of our everyday lives.

Table Servicing

Thanks to my extra shifts for work, Pui has had the luxury of playing "let's pretend I'm a rich person" and has begun visiting more fine dining restaurants. Just in case some of you are unfamiliar with the term 'fine dining', I have comprised an inaccurate (but equally relevant...at least for this post) and mostly true definition.

Fine Dining - Pui's Dictionary of me

A process in which an individual (classified mainly by 3 categories*) decides to dress up nicely (with a collared shirt/dress sometimes even with a tie!) and dines (but of course ) at a fancy looking restaurant (complete with dim lighting, candles and maybe even a rose) with waiters and waitresses who actually respond to your needs and requests (who will also assist you in the multiple sets of cutlery whilst playing classical music, or of the likes, so long as it's not your usual radio pop). By the end of the meal, the individual will feel a shitload poorer.

*some of these people will believe they're moving up in the social world, some may think it's just a phase they're going through, while others, yet, believe this is an overcompensation or a desperate cry for help.

Any how, indulging into these modern society food traps, Pui began to notice an absurd pattern emerging. when you're just an average person, sucked into believing you're something a little more than that, you end up being forced to order things that you probably never intended. It's subtle, it's sly, but I've caught on! This is usually what goes down from the moment you step inside the restaurant:

Step 1
You walk into the store, dressed up in all your fancy clothes.

Immediately, the mechanized waiters/waitresses scan you up and down with their well equipped laser vision.

Then, they smile.

They smile because they now know how to squeeze every. last. drop. of penny out of you.

Step 2
You will be lured to your table, and a golden embroidered menu would be placed before you. All the while,  s m i l i n g . Always, always smiling.

Just fucking with you, why would it be gold embroidered? It would be crafted from 24 carot gold.

The prices wouldn't even be written in arabic numbers, not even roman numerals. They'll be in bars of gold, diamonds, jewelery and in some other restaurants, they have a special pricing list demonstrating pictures of body parts and/or organs.

Step 3
Amazed by the luxurious sounding names on the menu, and dumbfounded by perplexing pricing options, you will inevitably end up  ordering a 3-course meal tha tyou havent even heard of.

Then, your waiter/waitress will lean in close, with the eerie inhuman smile, and ask:

 

 

Taken by surprise you open the drinks menu up and try to quickily look for the cheapest drink possible, or you might even decline.

Well of course they would know. Just to not appear like an ignorant person, you take what they suggest.

Step 4
After successfully pressuring you into buying coffee/tea more drinks and desserts. The waiter/waitress finally decides to give you the bill.

You pay it...or you labour for the restaurant. But, before that, the waiter/waitress attacks again.

SUDDENLY you remember all the overly attentive table service you received from them.
Like how they lurk nearby until you've taken a few bites of your meal. Then they swarm you.

 What do you mean "How has my meal been?" or "How has everythign been?". Is it even socially acceptable to say no? Perhaps you decide to be challenging that day and look right in their eyes with a defiant "No". It's a trap.

You cower and succumb to it. There is no way you can say no. Quietly and shamefully, you smile and mutter a barely audible 'Yes, everything's been great!"

And so, you end up tipping them more than you normally would've. For those who don't normally tip. That's like infinitely times more.

These days, I constantly fantasize about heroically telling the waiters that everything is NOT OK. Flipping the table and demanding a free meal. Sadly, my fine dining explorations may be perfectly described by this exact line my friend said (as he swirls his overpriced wine in the glass): I don't know what good wine tastes like...but I feel classy doing this!

-Pui.x

Socially Awkward

Humans, by nature, are social animals. Our entire civilization was built upon social interactions. So much so, that we are expected to follow an undocumented set of social rules and guidelines. It is expected of us to know all of them, across the different cultures.

What if they think I'm autistic because I don't say grace?

Of course the normal daily greetings are simple. Just a simple "How do you do?" a "Good morning" or "Afternoon", surely everyone has managed to nail that by now. No. Do not be tricked into a false sense of security, you can never nail this, ever.

No, Just no.

Why? Well, what if the opposition had a bad day? How will that go down?

"How do you do this fine day my friend?"
"Terrible! My cat died, I got mugged, and, my car's on fire."
"Oh dear"

And "Oh dear!" indeed. You had no intention of opening the gates of hell so early in the morning.

But no, the magical unwritten set of social rules state (in Segment 142.7 Section BB-3G to be exact) that you have to stay, listen and act concerned...or does it? As I have hinted at, social interactions are full of evil traps. They're deadly, evil and sometimes render you cold blooded.

For one case, the scenario may go like this:

A: oh dear! How saddening! {I'm not even close to him...}
B: Yes and...
A: I'm sorry good friend but I am in a hurry, here, have a tissue

Or this:

A: {we're not even really friends} My cat died too, and my fish is on fire. And just because everyone is dying from cancer, I also probably have cancer. Don't see me crying about it.

Or even this:

A: Have you met Jesus yet?

The possibilities are endless, and arguably, they all lie in the grey zone of "is this an acceptable response?" I know what you're all thinking. Pui, you clearly only gave examples of unacceptable responses! Perhaps I have, my dear readers, but we have to remember, social interactions are only possible with 2 or more parties. Thus this raises the big question, should Person B have said what he did? Before you all unanimously say yes, think about this. You're on a bus talking to a fellow commuter to kill time. Do you really want them to know about your personal life?

Probably not.

In fact the sole frightening question that we must all ask ourselves at one point in time or another. "Does the other person even give a shit?"

Clearly not giving a fuck

Now, although this is the most difficult question to answer in the entire existence of civilization (because the answer of the universe is 42), I have devised a fail proof method to deal with these socially awkward situations.

I call it the "oh my god, is that a unicorn?" technique.
Rather than trying to explain it, I shall now list a series of scenarios to demonstrate.

Is your friend trying to bore you with their intellect?

Stun them with UNICORNS!

Are you being attacked by your tutor in class?

Use it as a distraction!

Do you have to sit through annoying family gatherings?

Great at creating chaos and confusion!

See how it fits nicely into almost all situations? Well sometimes there are scenarios where it doesn't work.

Violence is the key to everything!

But remember, only use the UNICORN-PUNCH technique in awkward situations where the normal UNICORN tech fails.

-Pui.x

Simplicity

Hello dear readers! I know it's been over half a year since my last update, but rest assured, I have not forgotten the blogosphere! Life has just been hectic over this period of time and much sleep has been lost within the time I've disappeared. For those who have followed in the past and decided out of the whim to take a look again, you would already be familiar with the fact that I'm a young adult preparing the end of his education and stepping into the 'real world' of adults.

Damn the real world of adults.

Apparently a figment of children's imagination

Thankfully, I have yet to step into the scarey real world. Unfortunately, I am a little too old to fit into the pretty looking 'world of children'. Kinda stuck somewhere in between...

That's me...cept I'm asian and not a girl

Apart from the fact that the pictures above was probably one of the worst representations of such an important phase in life, what does remain true is that life gets busier. The time you use to use to surf pointless forums, downloading pictures of your new favourite boy/girl band of the month becomes less and less. Slowly you begin to cry out in distress, life is so packed and stressful, where is the time to do pointless things on the internet?

I WANT TO WASTE TIME ON THE NET!

So perhaps the lack of time to be able to wasted away isn't exactly a reason as to why so much stress builds up as you age but insufficient time to relax is. We've all heard the saying "Stop and smell a rose" but quite frankly, sometimes finding a rose to smell is pretty difficult. So I've compiled a list on some of the things you don't have to go out of your busy schedule to do.

Unless you're a baby

Looking out the window

Yes. Unless you live in a maximum security confinement prison thing you will bound to come across windows throughout your day. I don't mean stare blankly out the window either. PAUSE for a while and admire the bird flying peacefully in the sky before cursing under your breathe when it shits on your car. Enjoy the sunshine, admire the wondrous patterns the grey clouds make on a cloudy day, mesmerize yourself into calming rain drops. Appreciate the architecture nearby, the cracks on the walls, the dents on the road, the weed and the webs hanging off the lamp.

Breathing

Something a majority of us take for-granted. You don't have to be on your death bed to appreciate the fact that breathing means you're alive. Try this. Stop breathing. Manually stop breathing. Then when you can't hold it anymore slowly take a deep breath. Don't gasp for air like you almost drowned. Breathe in. S l o w l y. Close your eyes if you need to, and feel the air filling your lungs. Not only does it help you appreciate such a simple automated task, it would also help you calm down. So readers, breathe. Just. Breathe.

Listen

Something that, unless you're deaf, you cannot manually stop doing. However, the human brain miraculously learns to selectively block out things it doesn't wish to hear. Stop blocking out the sounds around you. The rain drops hitting the window pane, the constant tapping of the keyboard, the birds chirping outside, the horrible ringtone the young teenage girl has. Slow down and L I S T E N. Sometimes the most interesting stories stem off the most boring repetitive sounds around you.

Personally, I like to do all these things during a late night drive, with the radio turned up high.

So dear readers, how's your life treating you? Stressed? Look out the window of your world. Breathe the air of that world. Listen and feel the surroundings. Don't forget that it's the smallest things in life which makes life livable.

-Pui.x