Table Manners

Hey yo everybody! I have been quite busy as of late and subsequently have had no time to comment, reply, and write posts.  Thankfully though, the storm is beginning to calm towards the end of the year and my busy schedule in the past couple of months has left me an abundance of opportunities to conduct mental experiments on the smallest parts of our everyday lives.

Table Servicing

Thanks to my extra shifts for work, Pui has had the luxury of playing "let's pretend I'm a rich person" and has begun visiting more fine dining restaurants. Just in case some of you are unfamiliar with the term 'fine dining', I have comprised an inaccurate (but equally relevant...at least for this post) and mostly true definition.

Fine Dining - Pui's Dictionary of me

A process in which an individual (classified mainly by 3 categories*) decides to dress up nicely (with a collared shirt/dress sometimes even with a tie!) and dines (but of course ) at a fancy looking restaurant (complete with dim lighting, candles and maybe even a rose) with waiters and waitresses who actually respond to your needs and requests (who will also assist you in the multiple sets of cutlery whilst playing classical music, or of the likes, so long as it's not your usual radio pop). By the end of the meal, the individual will feel a shitload poorer.

*some of these people will believe they're moving up in the social world, some may think it's just a phase they're going through, while others, yet, believe this is an overcompensation or a desperate cry for help.

Any how, indulging into these modern society food traps, Pui began to notice an absurd pattern emerging. when you're just an average person, sucked into believing you're something a little more than that, you end up being forced to order things that you probably never intended. It's subtle, it's sly, but I've caught on! This is usually what goes down from the moment you step inside the restaurant:

Step 1
You walk into the store, dressed up in all your fancy clothes.

Immediately, the mechanized waiters/waitresses scan you up and down with their well equipped laser vision.

Then, they smile.

They smile because they now know how to squeeze every. last. drop. of penny out of you.

Step 2
You will be lured to your table, and a golden embroidered menu would be placed before you. All the while,  s m i l i n g . Always, always smiling.

Just fucking with you, why would it be gold embroidered? It would be crafted from 24 carot gold.

The prices wouldn't even be written in arabic numbers, not even roman numerals. They'll be in bars of gold, diamonds, jewelery and in some other restaurants, they have a special pricing list demonstrating pictures of body parts and/or organs.

Step 3
Amazed by the luxurious sounding names on the menu, and dumbfounded by perplexing pricing options, you will inevitably end up  ordering a 3-course meal tha tyou havent even heard of.

Then, your waiter/waitress will lean in close, with the eerie inhuman smile, and ask:

 

 

Taken by surprise you open the drinks menu up and try to quickily look for the cheapest drink possible, or you might even decline.

Well of course they would know. Just to not appear like an ignorant person, you take what they suggest.

Step 4
After successfully pressuring you into buying coffee/tea more drinks and desserts. The waiter/waitress finally decides to give you the bill.

You pay it...or you labour for the restaurant. But, before that, the waiter/waitress attacks again.

SUDDENLY you remember all the overly attentive table service you received from them.
Like how they lurk nearby until you've taken a few bites of your meal. Then they swarm you.

 What do you mean "How has my meal been?" or "How has everythign been?". Is it even socially acceptable to say no? Perhaps you decide to be challenging that day and look right in their eyes with a defiant "No". It's a trap.

You cower and succumb to it. There is no way you can say no. Quietly and shamefully, you smile and mutter a barely audible 'Yes, everything's been great!"

And so, you end up tipping them more than you normally would've. For those who don't normally tip. That's like infinitely times more.

These days, I constantly fantasize about heroically telling the waiters that everything is NOT OK. Flipping the table and demanding a free meal. Sadly, my fine dining explorations may be perfectly described by this exact line my friend said (as he swirls his overpriced wine in the glass): I don't know what good wine tastes like...but I feel classy doing this!

-Pui.x

Socially Awkward

Humans, by nature, are social animals. Our entire civilization was built upon social interactions. So much so, that we are expected to follow an undocumented set of social rules and guidelines. It is expected of us to know all of them, across the different cultures.

What if they think I'm autistic because I don't say grace?

Of course the normal daily greetings are simple. Just a simple "How do you do?" a "Good morning" or "Afternoon", surely everyone has managed to nail that by now. No. Do not be tricked into a false sense of security, you can never nail this, ever.

No, Just no.

Why? Well, what if the opposition had a bad day? How will that go down?

"How do you do this fine day my friend?"
"Terrible! My cat died, I got mugged, and, my car's on fire."
"Oh dear"

And "Oh dear!" indeed. You had no intention of opening the gates of hell so early in the morning.

But no, the magical unwritten set of social rules state (in Segment 142.7 Section BB-3G to be exact) that you have to stay, listen and act concerned...or does it? As I have hinted at, social interactions are full of evil traps. They're deadly, evil and sometimes render you cold blooded.

For one case, the scenario may go like this:

A: oh dear! How saddening! {I'm not even close to him...}
B: Yes and...
A: I'm sorry good friend but I am in a hurry, here, have a tissue

Or this:

A: {we're not even really friends} My cat died too, and my fish is on fire. And just because everyone is dying from cancer, I also probably have cancer. Don't see me crying about it.

Or even this:

A: Have you met Jesus yet?

The possibilities are endless, and arguably, they all lie in the grey zone of "is this an acceptable response?" I know what you're all thinking. Pui, you clearly only gave examples of unacceptable responses! Perhaps I have, my dear readers, but we have to remember, social interactions are only possible with 2 or more parties. Thus this raises the big question, should Person B have said what he did? Before you all unanimously say yes, think about this. You're on a bus talking to a fellow commuter to kill time. Do you really want them to know about your personal life?

Probably not.

In fact the sole frightening question that we must all ask ourselves at one point in time or another. "Does the other person even give a shit?"

Clearly not giving a fuck

Now, although this is the most difficult question to answer in the entire existence of civilization (because the answer of the universe is 42), I have devised a fail proof method to deal with these socially awkward situations.

I call it the "oh my god, is that a unicorn?" technique.
Rather than trying to explain it, I shall now list a series of scenarios to demonstrate.

Is your friend trying to bore you with their intellect?

Stun them with UNICORNS!

Are you being attacked by your tutor in class?

Use it as a distraction!

Do you have to sit through annoying family gatherings?

Great at creating chaos and confusion!

See how it fits nicely into almost all situations? Well sometimes there are scenarios where it doesn't work.

Violence is the key to everything!

But remember, only use the UNICORN-PUNCH technique in awkward situations where the normal UNICORN tech fails.

-Pui.x

Transformation

To be continued....