Socially Awkward

Humans, by nature, are social animals. Our entire civilization was built upon social interactions. So much so, that we are expected to follow an undocumented set of social rules and guidelines. It is expected of us to know all of them, across the different cultures.

What if they think I'm autistic because I don't say grace?

Of course the normal daily greetings are simple. Just a simple "How do you do?" a "Good morning" or "Afternoon", surely everyone has managed to nail that by now. No. Do not be tricked into a false sense of security, you can never nail this, ever.

No, Just no.

Why? Well, what if the opposition had a bad day? How will that go down?

"How do you do this fine day my friend?"
"Terrible! My cat died, I got mugged, and, my car's on fire."
"Oh dear"

And "Oh dear!" indeed. You had no intention of opening the gates of hell so early in the morning.

But no, the magical unwritten set of social rules state (in Segment 142.7 Section BB-3G to be exact) that you have to stay, listen and act concerned...or does it? As I have hinted at, social interactions are full of evil traps. They're deadly, evil and sometimes render you cold blooded.

For one case, the scenario may go like this:

A: oh dear! How saddening! {I'm not even close to him...}
B: Yes and...
A: I'm sorry good friend but I am in a hurry, here, have a tissue

Or this:

A: {we're not even really friends} My cat died too, and my fish is on fire. And just because everyone is dying from cancer, I also probably have cancer. Don't see me crying about it.

Or even this:

A: Have you met Jesus yet?

The possibilities are endless, and arguably, they all lie in the grey zone of "is this an acceptable response?" I know what you're all thinking. Pui, you clearly only gave examples of unacceptable responses! Perhaps I have, my dear readers, but we have to remember, social interactions are only possible with 2 or more parties. Thus this raises the big question, should Person B have said what he did? Before you all unanimously say yes, think about this. You're on a bus talking to a fellow commuter to kill time. Do you really want them to know about your personal life?

Probably not.

In fact the sole frightening question that we must all ask ourselves at one point in time or another. "Does the other person even give a shit?"

Clearly not giving a fuck

Now, although this is the most difficult question to answer in the entire existence of civilization (because the answer of the universe is 42), I have devised a fail proof method to deal with these socially awkward situations.

I call it the "oh my god, is that a unicorn?" technique.
Rather than trying to explain it, I shall now list a series of scenarios to demonstrate.

Is your friend trying to bore you with their intellect?

Stun them with UNICORNS!

Are you being attacked by your tutor in class?

Use it as a distraction!

Do you have to sit through annoying family gatherings?

Great at creating chaos and confusion!

See how it fits nicely into almost all situations? Well sometimes there are scenarios where it doesn't work.

Violence is the key to everything!

But remember, only use the UNICORN-PUNCH technique in awkward situations where the normal UNICORN tech fails.

-Pui.x